I found myself feeling sorry for myself. My “check engine” light had begun glowing brightly on the dashboard of my car, once again I had forgotten to take out the trash on pick up day, the smoke detector battery was dead, both of the tags on my car were expired and there were light bulbs going out all over the house. Maybe it doesn’t sound like much to you, but these are the things that my husband would have taken care of. As his illness progressed over the past 2 years, he was unable to do a lot and I took on more and more of the responsibilities and tasks, but these were all the little things he still did plus I knew I could call him and even if he just said, “It is going to be alright” it made it all ok. Now he is not there to call and to hear his reassurance or instructions on what I need to do.
Once again the feeling of loneliness was overwhelming. But I remembered that God has promised me in…
Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. “
I then also remembered a passage about David and his army that had been off fighting at war. When they returned, the enemy had come into their camp and kidnapped all their wives and children and took them away which included his beloved Abigail. They had no one to encourage them up and it says in…
1Sam 30:6 “And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.”
So I collected myself and told myself “It is going to be alright, you are a strong woman and capable of taking care of all this”. People that know me, know that I am a person that relies on Lists for everything. So I made myself a list. Instead of saying “Why Lord?” I went through my list and took care of everything. I called a friend’s husband who had told me “if you ever need anything….” So he told me to bring the car over and while he was fixing the car, just to plan to have supper with them. It was a great evening with friends. I bought a whole new smoke detector because I realized the old one was at least 15 years old, I bought light bulbs and starting going through the house replacing them. I went to buy the tags for the car and then went to have it inspected and asked the man at the service station to put the tags on my windshield for me. I am still forgetting trash day, but I am working on it. I’m finding that instead of having to rush home each evening to care for my husband as I had become so accustomed to doing, I can take care all these little chores.
After completing everything, I began to feel guilty for questioning the Lord why he had chosen not to heal Steve and he took him from me. A very dear friend of mine sent me an email that she attached the words to a song that she had written. When I read it, tears of joy began to flow and I could just see my husband in heaven and I really really knew in my heart how much he had suffered and gone through and now he was able to be Steve again, happy, full of joy, laughing and singing in heaven.
Everytime something has gone wrong or happened, God has placed someone in my path to take care of things and help me. I’d like to share my friend’s Song Lyrics with you. May you be blessed and uplifted as I was.
"PEACE LIKE A RIVER FLOWED"
AS I LAY DOWN LAST NIGHT,
TO REST MY WEARY HEART,
THE LORD GAVE ME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM.
I SAW THE GATES OF HEAVEN OPEN WIDE,
AS HEAVENLY ANGELS BEGAN TO SING,
AND PEACE LIKE A RIVER FLOWED OVER ME.
FOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHORUS,
I HEARD A SWEET FAMILIAR VOICE,
AND I LOOKED, BUT I KNEW, WHAT I WOULD SEE.
YES, I SAW YOU STANDING THERE,
WITHOUT A PAIN, WITHOUT A CARE,
AND I KNEW THAT YOU WERE WHERE,
YOU WANTED TO BE.
NOT ON THIS EARTH HERE BELOW,
WITH ALL ITS' SORROWS AND ALL ITS' WOES,
AND I FELT PEACE, LIKE A RIVER,
FLOW OVER ME.
YES, I KNOW I'LL ALWAYS MISS YOU,
BUT SOMEDAY, I'LL JOIN YOU THERE,
AND WE'LL ALL BE TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN.
SISTER AND BROTHER,
FATHER AND MOTHER,
DAUGHTER AND SON, WITH ONE ANOTHER,
THAT'S WHY THIS PEACE, LIKE A RIVER,
FLOWS OVER ME.
AND I HEARD BELLS IN HEAVEN RINGING,
AS EACH ANGEL, AND THE CHOIR BEGAN TO SING.
AND I HEARD YOU LAUGH FOR JOY,
YOU WERE HAPPY I COULD SEE,
AND PEACE LIKE A RIVER,
A MIGHTY RUSHING RIVER,
I FELT PEACE, LIKE A RIVER,
FLOW OVER ME.......
BY: SHIRLEY BONOAN
Monday, April 21, 2008
My Life is in You Lord
Life is so unpredictable for me these days. My emotions are like a roller coaster out of control and it is so confusing. I love to participate and go to our Women’s Ministry functions and Leaders Meetings. They are always great, filled with fun, fellowship and so much love. We have such a great team of leaders and we all gel together so beautifully and work in harmony like a well oiled machine. However, when the function, meeting or event is over and I go home, it means going home to be alone. I don’t even have to arrive at home before I am already feeling the emptiness and loneliness and it becomes at times overwhelming. It feels like I’ve climbed a tall ladder standing on the very top (while the event is taking place), then all of a sudden someone pulls the ladder from underneath me and I fall flat. One moment I’m laughing with friends and enjoying myself, the next I am at an all time low feeling only hurt, despair and loneliness.
Most of the time now, it makes me dread the upcoming functions even though I love them dearly and I don’t think I could make it without them, I know that they all will end and if it all works the way it has been, I will drive home sobbing and missing my husband and best friend so much it even makes my chest hurt just like I have undergone surgery, which in a way I have….half of me was taken away.
I find myself saying, “Lord you promised in I Cor. 10:13 that you would never put on me more than I can bear, but lord this hurts so bad I don’t think I can make it. How can I go on? Lord you also promised me in Hebrews 13:5b that “… Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” You also promised me in John 14:18 that you would not leave me comfortless, but that you would come to me.
If you are with me Lord why am I feeling so alone and why does it hurt so much? Lord I’m trying to be wise and be strong and make some changes and add things to my life as I begin my new life all over again at 53 years of age. I am trying to do new things, reach out to others, stay active in the Women’s Ministry where you know my heart is. Lord, all the books I’ve been reading on the stages of grief I understand and identify with 100%, but it feels like I’m going through all of the stages at once and it overwhelms me. I don’t know what else I can do Lord but look to you, draw close to you, and you Lord fill the empty place that my husband occupied for so long. My Life and hope is in you Lord.
Most of the time now, it makes me dread the upcoming functions even though I love them dearly and I don’t think I could make it without them, I know that they all will end and if it all works the way it has been, I will drive home sobbing and missing my husband and best friend so much it even makes my chest hurt just like I have undergone surgery, which in a way I have….half of me was taken away.
I find myself saying, “Lord you promised in I Cor. 10:13 that you would never put on me more than I can bear, but lord this hurts so bad I don’t think I can make it. How can I go on? Lord you also promised me in Hebrews 13:5b that “… Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” You also promised me in John 14:18 that you would not leave me comfortless, but that you would come to me.
If you are with me Lord why am I feeling so alone and why does it hurt so much? Lord I’m trying to be wise and be strong and make some changes and add things to my life as I begin my new life all over again at 53 years of age. I am trying to do new things, reach out to others, stay active in the Women’s Ministry where you know my heart is. Lord, all the books I’ve been reading on the stages of grief I understand and identify with 100%, but it feels like I’m going through all of the stages at once and it overwhelms me. I don’t know what else I can do Lord but look to you, draw close to you, and you Lord fill the empty place that my husband occupied for so long. My Life and hope is in you Lord.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Now Comes New Growth
My 6 year old granddaughter had been after me to let her plant flowers in the big flower box in front of my house. The flower box was filled with red Kalanchoes and to be honest I was growing somewhat tired of looking at them too. For 2 evenings she and I worked at cleaning out the big flower box, making sure to pull the old plants roots and all up. I explained to her that we had to start fresh and new. She didn’t like removing the old plants and complained and said the dirt was stinky but I kept encouraging her to keep going because we couldn’t plant anything new until she had removed all the old plants. We then started the process of pouring in New Top Soil which meant breaking up large clumps of moist fresh dark rich soil with our hands and making sure it was spread evenly and smoothly over the entire flower box. Finally, last night it was time for the fun stuff, or at least she thought. I went down the entire length of the box and dug partial holes spaced evenly apart and would place 1 small plant in the hole until all the holes had a plant sitting in them. I then showed her how to dig the hole out to be just the right depth and gently hold the new little plant in place while covering it with soil and then gently pressing it into place.
The time had come that she had been so eagerly awaiting, to plant all colors of pretty flowers. So I went to sit on the porch swing and leave her to her fun. Soon she announced that she was finished and I went to look at her work. At the end of the box I saw where it was very obvious that she had begun to grow tired and didn’t do a very good job, so I sent her back to redo those. She was realizing that it was hard work to plant and grow something new and beautiful. I hooked up the water hose and brought it around there and of course she thought watering was the best and most fun of all. So again I left her to do the job while I sat and watched. Finally I figured everything had enough water and I turned it off and we went inside to clean up.
Right now, my life feels a lot like my planting experience with my granddaughter. What I’ve known and had for so long has been totally removed from me. Inside I literally feel an empty hole where my husband used to occupy. If I allow myself to wallow in self-pity all I see is emptiness, but I choose to look at my life like our new flower garden. Yes, God chose to take my husband home to Glory with him and to end his suffering and there are some things I am going through that is taking lots of work to get them all finalized, but God has given me a new fresh life to begin completely anew. Yes I still hurt, cry and miss my husband and my day-to-day life feels very scary at times, but God is also giving me his Peace that Passes all understanding and I know he has something very special in store for me. Just like the flowers that we planted, I must now feed and water all the new opportunities in my life so that I can produce new growth in all its brilliant color and beauty. I know I will face times of wanting to give up just like my granddaughter when she grew weary of having to go through the tedious process, but in the end, she and I can stand back and see what our work produced and enjoy every moment of it.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.”
Ps 18:30 As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
Ps 18:32 It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
Ps 138:8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.
Isa 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Heb. 13:21 (God will) Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
The time had come that she had been so eagerly awaiting, to plant all colors of pretty flowers. So I went to sit on the porch swing and leave her to her fun. Soon she announced that she was finished and I went to look at her work. At the end of the box I saw where it was very obvious that she had begun to grow tired and didn’t do a very good job, so I sent her back to redo those. She was realizing that it was hard work to plant and grow something new and beautiful. I hooked up the water hose and brought it around there and of course she thought watering was the best and most fun of all. So again I left her to do the job while I sat and watched. Finally I figured everything had enough water and I turned it off and we went inside to clean up.
Right now, my life feels a lot like my planting experience with my granddaughter. What I’ve known and had for so long has been totally removed from me. Inside I literally feel an empty hole where my husband used to occupy. If I allow myself to wallow in self-pity all I see is emptiness, but I choose to look at my life like our new flower garden. Yes, God chose to take my husband home to Glory with him and to end his suffering and there are some things I am going through that is taking lots of work to get them all finalized, but God has given me a new fresh life to begin completely anew. Yes I still hurt, cry and miss my husband and my day-to-day life feels very scary at times, but God is also giving me his Peace that Passes all understanding and I know he has something very special in store for me. Just like the flowers that we planted, I must now feed and water all the new opportunities in my life so that I can produce new growth in all its brilliant color and beauty. I know I will face times of wanting to give up just like my granddaughter when she grew weary of having to go through the tedious process, but in the end, she and I can stand back and see what our work produced and enjoy every moment of it.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.”
Ps 18:30 As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
Ps 18:32 It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
Ps 138:8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.
Isa 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Heb. 13:21 (God will) Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
A New Day Dawns
I went to a family member’s wedding this past weekend. I thought it would be very difficult emotionally, but I looked into the faces of the young couple as they said their vows to one another and I saw that special New Love. The wedding brought back some precious happy memories and I remembered the look on my husband’s face at our Wedding and even remember after the ceremony my mother-in-law telling me “Watching how you two looked at each other, this marriage can’t help but last”. I shared with the young couple that marriage is a choice and that Love is for a lifetime and that it really is “until death us do part”.
I am finding with the passing of my husband of 30 years my is life changing so rapidly and I am having to learn things all over again. Everything is different now. I’m even having to change my verbal responses to people because it is no longer “Us” or “We”, but “I” and “Me”. It feels like every morning God is presenting some new and exciting opportunities for me to explore and fill my days as A New Day Dawns for me.
God has blessed me so much with my friends and family and the outpouring of love that I feel from each one is so unbelievable, yet all of their love can’t fill the empty place in my heart from missing my husband, but I am purposely trying to fill my thoughts and mind each day with all the years of Good and Happy Memories and the Love that we shared.
Now, I must grasp each New Day that Dawns for me and seek God, hold tight to him and trust him to show me the way. I know that God has a special plan and purpose for me and my life and that his way is perfect. I must also walk through the new doors and seize the new opportunities that God is laying before me.
I received an email from a cousin that gives you a link for you to type in your birth date and it will bring up your special Birth Date Scripture which I did. My scripture was found in I Corinthians 7:17 (NIV) “Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him…”
I am finding with the passing of my husband of 30 years my is life changing so rapidly and I am having to learn things all over again. Everything is different now. I’m even having to change my verbal responses to people because it is no longer “Us” or “We”, but “I” and “Me”. It feels like every morning God is presenting some new and exciting opportunities for me to explore and fill my days as A New Day Dawns for me.
God has blessed me so much with my friends and family and the outpouring of love that I feel from each one is so unbelievable, yet all of their love can’t fill the empty place in my heart from missing my husband, but I am purposely trying to fill my thoughts and mind each day with all the years of Good and Happy Memories and the Love that we shared.
Now, I must grasp each New Day that Dawns for me and seek God, hold tight to him and trust him to show me the way. I know that God has a special plan and purpose for me and my life and that his way is perfect. I must also walk through the new doors and seize the new opportunities that God is laying before me.
I received an email from a cousin that gives you a link for you to type in your birth date and it will bring up your special Birth Date Scripture which I did. My scripture was found in I Corinthians 7:17 (NIV) “Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him…”
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Look Up
This morning as I sat working, I had a CD of Kathy Triccoli playing in my office and she began singing “Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus” and my thoughts went back years ago when I wrote a Bible Study for Women based upon the Fairy Tale story of Repunzel.
In the lesson I told the story about an ugly evil old witch who was so jealous of the beautiful baby girl born in the kingdom that she stole her away and took her to a far away land and locked her in a tall tower and made sure there were no mirrors or reflective surfaces in the tower. Each day the ugly old witch would come and tell the girl that she looked just like her, so she grew up into a young woman not knowing any difference. One day as she was on her balcony at the very top of the tower a handsome young prince saw the beautiful maiden and had to meet her. When he could find no way up to her, he called up to her “Repunzel, Repunzel let down your golden hair”. When he climbed up to her, she wouldn’t look at him in the face and would keep her face turned saying “I am too ugly for you to look upon”. Lovingly and gently he took her face into his hands and turned her face to his and when she looked at her Prince face to face, for the first time she saw her true reflection in the eyes of her Prince.
These days I MUST keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus, my Prince of Peace, my Lord of Lords. This song really blessed me and I wanted to share it with you.
Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus
O soul, are you weary and troubled?No light in the darkness you see?There’s a light for a look at the Savior,And life more abundant and free!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.
His Word shall not fail you—He promised;Believe Him, and all will be well:Then go to a world that is dying,His perfect salvation to tell!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.
Scripture also tells me…
Ps 33:18 - The LORD's eyes are on those who fear him, on those who wait with hope for his mercy
Ps 34:15 - The LORD's eyes are on righteous people. His ears hear their cry for help.
So I know that my Prince of Peace is watching me and all I have to do is look into my Lord’s face for strength and help and declare …
Ps 141:8 - But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge
Ps 121: 1-2 “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.”
Ps 5:3 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.
In the lesson I told the story about an ugly evil old witch who was so jealous of the beautiful baby girl born in the kingdom that she stole her away and took her to a far away land and locked her in a tall tower and made sure there were no mirrors or reflective surfaces in the tower. Each day the ugly old witch would come and tell the girl that she looked just like her, so she grew up into a young woman not knowing any difference. One day as she was on her balcony at the very top of the tower a handsome young prince saw the beautiful maiden and had to meet her. When he could find no way up to her, he called up to her “Repunzel, Repunzel let down your golden hair”. When he climbed up to her, she wouldn’t look at him in the face and would keep her face turned saying “I am too ugly for you to look upon”. Lovingly and gently he took her face into his hands and turned her face to his and when she looked at her Prince face to face, for the first time she saw her true reflection in the eyes of her Prince.
These days I MUST keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus, my Prince of Peace, my Lord of Lords. This song really blessed me and I wanted to share it with you.
Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus
O soul, are you weary and troubled?No light in the darkness you see?There’s a light for a look at the Savior,And life more abundant and free!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.
His Word shall not fail you—He promised;Believe Him, and all will be well:Then go to a world that is dying,His perfect salvation to tell!
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.
Scripture also tells me…
Ps 33:18 - The LORD's eyes are on those who fear him, on those who wait with hope for his mercy
Ps 34:15 - The LORD's eyes are on righteous people. His ears hear their cry for help.
So I know that my Prince of Peace is watching me and all I have to do is look into my Lord’s face for strength and help and declare …
Ps 141:8 - But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge
Ps 121: 1-2 “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.”
Ps 5:3 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Through My Valley of Tears
I’ve never been one to display many of my personal emotions in public. Certain members of my family had formed the opinion that I was even a bit hard hearted because even at funerals and the death of my grandparents and sisters I didn’t show much emotion. Grieving has always been an extremely personal time for me. I’ve always done my grieving in private. However, these days after losing my husband, I find that uncontrollable emotion and tears easily and frequently flow and it doesn’t matter who I am with or where I am.
As women all of us go through deep dark valleys at times. Some are divorce, illness, death---there are all types of enormous places of sorrows for us to go through and find ourselves in a Valley of Tears. God doesn’t promise us a trouble- free life, but He does say that Valleys of Tears will eventually become pools of blessing. We must always remember to choose our attitudes. I have to constantly remind myself that I alone must decide to trust Him during this difficult season or I can bury myself in bitter self-pity.
“When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!” Psalm 84:6 (NLT)
Psalm 27:14, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (NIV).
Psalms 147:3
“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalms 55:22
“Cast your burden on the Lord and he shall sustain you. He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”
Psalms 30:5
“For his anger is but for a moment, his favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.”
Although the pain and loneliness I feel may linger for a long time, I know the Lord will lead me out of my Valley of Tears to a Life filled with Victories and one day I will be standing on a mountain top again.
As women all of us go through deep dark valleys at times. Some are divorce, illness, death---there are all types of enormous places of sorrows for us to go through and find ourselves in a Valley of Tears. God doesn’t promise us a trouble- free life, but He does say that Valleys of Tears will eventually become pools of blessing. We must always remember to choose our attitudes. I have to constantly remind myself that I alone must decide to trust Him during this difficult season or I can bury myself in bitter self-pity.
“When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!” Psalm 84:6 (NLT)
Psalm 27:14, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (NIV).
Psalms 147:3
“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalms 55:22
“Cast your burden on the Lord and he shall sustain you. He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”
Psalms 30:5
“For his anger is but for a moment, his favor is for life. Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.”
Although the pain and loneliness I feel may linger for a long time, I know the Lord will lead me out of my Valley of Tears to a Life filled with Victories and one day I will be standing on a mountain top again.
It is Too Quiet
Sleeping has become very difficult for me. I seem to be able to fall asleep if I get still, but unfortunately I don’t stay asleep. By each afternoon I’m feeling exhausted and yawning.
Taking the advice of many family and friends, I visited my doctor who has taken care of my family for over fifteen years and knows what I’ve been dealing with for so long as well as the recent loss of my husband. He prescribed one of the popular sleeping pills that we all see on the TV Commercials and assured me that it would not only “help me to fall asleep, but to stay asleep”. Yeah Right! I can say I am sleeping more hours, but not through the night. This past weekend I took a short trip to visit my cousin and her family which is only about 80 miles away. The trip was just what I have been needing, a change of scenery, visit with family and to relax. While visiting with my cousin, I took my big queen air mattress and set it up in her living room and her granddaughter slept on the couch next to me. I slept so good through the night, it was unbelievable and the child even kept the TV on all night. They even have a giant noisy rooster that crowed through the morning hours. I would hear him and rouse a little, but nothing disturbed me resting. My trip provided me with the realization that perhaps I am not sleeping because no one is there with me now and I am alone in the house and it is too quiet.
For the past two years, I have had interrupted and broken sleep each night taking care of my husband. Now, there is no one beside me and nothing to wake me. My sleeping environment has changed so quickly and I obviously haven’t been able to adjust to the total quiet. Anyone that knows me, knows very well, that I don’t like change especially sudden change. I like my rut and my routine. So when change takes place, it takes me some time to slowly adjust.
I read in Isaiah 30:15 (The King James Version) “…..in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength:…” and find myself saying, But Lord, I don’t like all this quiet and I’m not accustomed to it. Then he so tenderly and lovingly tells me to “be still, rest in his arms and he will take me through this time.” I then say, Ok Lord I’ve walked with you many years and you’ve carried me through many valleys and times of great battles in my life.
Proverbs 14:26-27 tells me “In the fear (revered trust) of the Lord is strong confidence…” and “The fear (revered trust) of the Lord is a fountain of life…”
Over the past few years I thought that I had really learned was trusting in God was like, but now I am learning a new level of trust in the quietness of my life. I know that God will bring me through this difficult time stronger than before and when I am weak God will be strong on my behalf. So in the quietness Lord, I will draw closer to you.
Taking the advice of many family and friends, I visited my doctor who has taken care of my family for over fifteen years and knows what I’ve been dealing with for so long as well as the recent loss of my husband. He prescribed one of the popular sleeping pills that we all see on the TV Commercials and assured me that it would not only “help me to fall asleep, but to stay asleep”. Yeah Right! I can say I am sleeping more hours, but not through the night. This past weekend I took a short trip to visit my cousin and her family which is only about 80 miles away. The trip was just what I have been needing, a change of scenery, visit with family and to relax. While visiting with my cousin, I took my big queen air mattress and set it up in her living room and her granddaughter slept on the couch next to me. I slept so good through the night, it was unbelievable and the child even kept the TV on all night. They even have a giant noisy rooster that crowed through the morning hours. I would hear him and rouse a little, but nothing disturbed me resting. My trip provided me with the realization that perhaps I am not sleeping because no one is there with me now and I am alone in the house and it is too quiet.
For the past two years, I have had interrupted and broken sleep each night taking care of my husband. Now, there is no one beside me and nothing to wake me. My sleeping environment has changed so quickly and I obviously haven’t been able to adjust to the total quiet. Anyone that knows me, knows very well, that I don’t like change especially sudden change. I like my rut and my routine. So when change takes place, it takes me some time to slowly adjust.
I read in Isaiah 30:15 (The King James Version) “…..in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength:…” and find myself saying, But Lord, I don’t like all this quiet and I’m not accustomed to it. Then he so tenderly and lovingly tells me to “be still, rest in his arms and he will take me through this time.” I then say, Ok Lord I’ve walked with you many years and you’ve carried me through many valleys and times of great battles in my life.
Proverbs 14:26-27 tells me “In the fear (revered trust) of the Lord is strong confidence…” and “The fear (revered trust) of the Lord is a fountain of life…”
Over the past few years I thought that I had really learned was trusting in God was like, but now I am learning a new level of trust in the quietness of my life. I know that God will bring me through this difficult time stronger than before and when I am weak God will be strong on my behalf. So in the quietness Lord, I will draw closer to you.
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