My Life is in You Lord

Life is so unpredictable for me these days. My emotions are like a roller coaster out of control and it is so confusing. I love to participate and go to our Women’s Ministry functions and Leaders Meetings. They are always great, filled with fun, fellowship and so much love. We have such a great team of leaders and we all gel together so beautifully and work in harmony like a well oiled machine. However, when the function, meeting or event is over and I go home, it means going home to be alone. I don’t even have to arrive at home before I am already feeling the emptiness and loneliness and it becomes at times overwhelming. It feels like I’ve climbed a tall ladder standing on the very top (while the event is taking place), then all of a sudden someone pulls the ladder from underneath me and I fall flat. One moment I’m laughing with friends and enjoying myself, the next I am at an all time low feeling only hurt, despair and loneliness.

Most of the time now, it makes me dread the upcoming functions even though I love them dearly and I don’t think I could make it without them, I know that they all will end and if it all works the way it has been, I will drive home sobbing and missing my husband and best friend so much it even makes my chest hurt just like I have undergone surgery, which in a way I have….half of me was taken away.

I find myself saying, “Lord you promised in I Cor. 10:13 that you would never put on me more than I can bear, but lord this hurts so bad I don’t think I can make it. How can I go on? Lord you also promised me in Hebrews 13:5b that “… Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” You also promised me in John 14:18 that you would not leave me comfortless, but that you would come to me.

If you are with me Lord why am I feeling so alone and why does it hurt so much? Lord I’m trying to be wise and be strong and make some changes and add things to my life as I begin my new life all over again at 53 years of age. I am trying to do new things, reach out to others, stay active in the Women’s Ministry where you know my heart is. Lord, all the books I’ve been reading on the stages of grief I understand and identify with 100%, but it feels like I’m going through all of the stages at once and it overwhelms me. I don’t know what else I can do Lord but look to you, draw close to you, and you Lord fill the empty place that my husband occupied for so long. My Life and hope is in you Lord.